“There must be a better way than this!” Jane muttered as she shuffled forward with all the other budget airline passengers. “After all it’s only a two hour flight, so why not make it just that little bit more comfortable, and not treat us like cattle?” Jane knew that it was a hackneyed expression, but said it anyway. It amused her as she thought of different names, such as Moove-over airlines, for the not so discerning traveller, and, Stampede Express, for the tourist who gets caught up in the rush. Jane must have laughed out loud as several enquiring and accusing faces glowered back at her. She could see them looking and shaking their heads in disbelief as she snorted with laughter! “Piggy Airlines, oink, oink, no free grub here!”

By now she was in convulsions, and only managed to stop when an over watchful security guard walked by and stared at her. “Threat to security too am I? Didn’t know that no frills meant no giggles too, oink, oink!” But, discretion being the better part of valour she shut up for fear of being kicked off the flight. The plane finally took off forty minutes late, with the pilot cheerily telling everybody, they would make up the time en-route. “Now sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight.” Jane would have liked to have done so but found herself wedged in between two rather large people, who, as it turned out were travelling together. Jane thought. “Why on earth don’t they sit next to each other?” So she asked the lady if they would like to change places. “Oh no! We were on first, and this is where we stay, thank you very much. Besides Ronny has to have the aisle seat, as he always gets air sick!” Jane shuddered at the thought, and to try and take her mind off what might happen she began to read. But as soon as the seat belt sign went off, ‘Mrs Ron’ needed to use the toilet! It seemed to take ages for all three to get unwedged from their seats and in the scramble Jane’s book got trampled on, tearing its cover, and scattering several pages under the row in front.

Finally ‘Mrs Ron’ was free. But, just as she started down the aisle, the seat belt light went back on. The flight attendant, who looked about twelve, but with the authority of a sergeant major, commanded ‘Mrs Ron’ to return to her seat, ‘for her own safety, as we are about to come into some turbulence.’ Hastily ‘Mrs Ron’ did as she was told, but on her way back to her seat, managed to reduce the remainder of Jane’s book into a mass of unreadable waste paper. Jane gave a mirthless grin, and sighed, “at last, real pulp fiction!” as she closed her eyes to try to shut out her predicament. No chance there though! Just as she began to doze off, Jane got an elbow in her ribs. She woke with a start to see Mrs Ron delving into a large bag. Jane watched with interest as she rummaged deep into its seemingly bottomless interior, finally producing a foil pack that was literally bursting open with food. Mrs Ron leaned over Jane. “Pilchard and sweet corn sandwich first Ron?”

Jane groaned as Ron reached over, clammily grabbing the strong smelling sandwich, and devouring it in three big bites! “Mmmm, that was good,” he mumbled, “what’s next?” Mrs Ron passed him a large flaky sausage roll, which he proceeded to eat in the same fashion, that was until he inhaled a crumb, and began to cough violently, and in all directions at once! Jane got her share, and so did the man across the aisle, but as he was sleeping didn’t notice his newly decorated arm. Jane just sat there, unable to move, because Mrs Ron was leaning over her fussing around with tissues. “There, there, dear, shouldn’t bolt your food, that’ll teach you not to be so greedy.” Just then the pilot’s voice came over the intercom. “Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, we hope that you’re all enjoying the flight, you’ll be very pleased to know we’ve made up the forty minute delay, caused by congestion over Paris, and now we’re ahead of schedule, and should be landing in approximately thirty minutes. The weather in Barcelona is sunny and the temperature is 21�Celsius. If you look out of the windows you’ll see a lovely view of Southern France and the Alps, but please remain seated as there are some thunder storms ahead and we may experience slight turbulence, but there is nothing to worry about so please sit back, relax, and enjoy the flight” Jane groaned. “That’s about the last thing I can do, I just want to get off, things can’t get any worse than this, I hate it!”

But she spoke too soon. Ronny leaned over to his wife and announced he felt ill! He reached for the sick bag, just in time, and it was all Jane could do to stop herself from copying him. But she held her breath, and her resolve, until slowly the nausea passed. This didn’t stop ‘Mrs Ron’s’ panic as she proffered more tissues to her ailing husband. Luckily the flight attendant was on hand with a damp cloth, and a replacement bag. For the rest of the flight a very pale looking Ronny sat there, seemingly glued to his seat, with the sick bag and damp cloth clamped firmly to his face. When they finally touched down, Jane breathed a sigh of relief, but all to soon. because no sooner had the plane come to a standstill Mrs Ron was up and trying to clamber over her to help her husband. The damp cloth landed on Jane’s lap, and the sick bag dropped onto the floor under her feet. It was awful, her worst nightmare come true. But Jane’s inscrutability stayed constant. Only a few more minutes and they’d be out of her life forever, or so she thought!

Jane hadn’t realised that the airport was about 90km from Barcelona, at least another two hours journey. She’d planned to meet up with her friend Helen in time for lunch, and would have liked the chance for a shower beforehand, but by the time the bus was destined to arrive there it would be mid afternoon. “Nothing I can do about it anyway” Jane shrugged, as she bought her bus ticket. “I may as well sit out in the sun ’til its time to leave” She propped her shoulder bag against a tree, and, using it as a pillow, closed her eyes, breathed in the airport aroma of aviation fuel, tobacco, and coffee, and listened to the sounds of activity all around her. The constant gentle drone began to relax her and she started to regain her composure from the flight when she heard it! She sat up straight and looked. There they were, “The two Ronnies” pushing an overloaded baggage cart towards the bus. Jane watched as the driver, who had been sitting on a bench smoking and reading his paper, slowly get up to help them with their luggage. From his gaze Jane could already see his contempt for them building up as they neared him. He helped them to stow their cases and watched as they climbed up into the hot and stuffy bus. They collapsed into opposite seats and began fanning themselves with newspapers.

Presently the driver started the bus to get the air conditioning going, and slowly it began to fill up. But Jane, being a ‘super-cool’ independent traveller remained sitting in the sun until the last minute! The driver signalled to her that he was about to leave, and to get on board. Jane stamped her ticket and found a seat, well away from the two Ronnies. The driver began to check the tickets and as he made his way towards the back of the bus she heard a familiar voice. “Two tickets please.” She listened as the driver explained :”You must buy your tickets in the airport building but please hurry as we are going now!” The two Ronnies barged their way off the bus, making a lot of fuss and complaining loudly. Finally, just as the driver was about to remove their luggage, they returned looking rather hot and flustered. Jane began to feel sorry for them, as they seemed very dejected and forlorn. But, her sorrow was short lived as they plonked themselves down heavily in the only empty available seat, right behind her!

Eventually they arrived in Barcelona and Jane got to meet up with Helen. Over a drink at a pavement caf� she began to recount her journey, the crush to get on the flight, the cramped conditions, her neighbours eating habits, and finally the long bus ride to Barcelona. Helen stared at Jane in disbelief. “That must have been pretty uncomfortable Jane, but I’m surprised at you. We’ve been friends ever since junior school, and I always thought that you had an eye for a bargain!” Jane stared at her. “What do you mean? I got here for less then �70!” Helen laughed. “Plus your food, plus the bus fare, plus no choice of seat, plus the crush to get a decent place, plus the hassle of cramped claustrophobic conditions. I reckon you must have parted with at least �100 to get here. Need I say more?” Jane splutteringly tried to justify herself. “OK Helen, how did you get here then, by magic carpet?” Helen smiled sweetly back at her. “I booked my British Airways ticket on line, it cost me �90.00 all in, I got the seat that I wanted, and a snack on the flight. Plus they fly directly into Barcelona, and not some distant airport. By travelling my way I got here quicker and have more time to do everything I want to! Taking all your extra costs in to consideration I reckon I got the better deal don’t you?” Jane pondered for a moment, but had to reluctantly agree, and as she mockingly poked out her tongue she replied. “OK, smarty-pants, you’re right, I think I’ve learned my lesson. The cheapest deal isn’t always the best. Next time, before I press the ‘accept’ key on my computer, I’ll do some research and check out all of the options including Thomas Cook. Now, come on! Finish your drink, and lets get sight seeing. There’s so much I want to see. Besides, see those two people hovering at the entrance?”