“Ladies and Gentlemen do you want the good news first or the bad news?

“The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. I felt sadly let down by the fact that none of you sent me a card! I drive you to work and home each day and not even a card.”

“The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means that we probably won't reach our destination for a good ninety minutes yet. We may have to stop and return. I won't reverse back up the line – simply get out, walk up the platform and go back to where we started. In the meantime if you get bored you can simply talk to the man in front or beside you or opposite you.”

“Let me start you off: “Hi, my name's Gary how do you do?”